Friday, May 09, 2008

Klantucky goldmine

As you know, chuckling on-line magazine has important sources deep within the bowels of the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign; the inner sanctum, such as it is, where she and her advisers develop strategy and write speeches.

Hillary has been taking a lot of flack lately from the know-nothings on cable tv and in the "mainstream" press because they think she has no strategy for winning the presidency against such overwhelming odds.

We have learned that Hillary will soon unveil a new strategy designed to quell those criticisms and win what is rightfully hers.

She's going to kick it off with a speech in which she lays out her basic principles. She has been working on this speech since South Carolina. It means a lot to her and her political ambition (sorry to be redundant). In addition to laying out a set of strong American principles that will appeal to the hard working people of this great land who support her, and only her, she has a strategy for implementing this new ethical framework. Here is a close-to-final draft:

WE BELIEVE: in the fatherhood of God, the brotherhood of Jesus Christ, and the eternal tenets of the Christian religion as practiced by enlightened churches.

WE BELIEVE: that church and state should continue separate in administration and organization, although united in their mission and purpose to serve mankind unselfishly.

WE BELIEVE: in the American home as the foundation upon which rest secure the American's Republic, the future of its institutions, and the liberties of its citizens.

WE BELIEVE: in the mission of emancipated womanhood, freed from the shackles of old-world traditions, and standing unafraid in the full effulgence of equality and enlightenment.

WE BELIEVE: in the equality of men and women in political, religious, fraternal, civic and social affairs wherein there should be no distinction of sex.

WE BELIEVE: in the free public schools where our children are trained in the principals and ideals that make America the greatest of all nations.

WE BELIEVE: the Stars and Stripes the most beautiful flag on earth, symbolizing the purity of race, the blood of martyrs and the fidelity of patriots.

WE BELIEVE: in the supremacy of the Constitution of the United States and the several states. and consecrate ourselves to its preservation against all enemies at home and abroad.

WE BELIEVE: that the freedom of speech, of press and of worship is an inalienable right of all citizens whose allegiance and loyalty to our country are unquestioned.

WE BELIEVE: that principal comes before party, that justice should be firm but impartial, and that partisanship must yield to intelligent cooperation.

WE BELIEVE: that the current of pure American blood must be kept uncontaminated by mongrel strains and protected from racial pollution.

WE BELIEVE: that the government of the United States must be kept inviolate from the control or domination of alien races and the baleful influence of inferior peoples.

WE BELIEVE: that the people are greater than any foreign power or potentate, prince or prelate, and that no other allegiance in America should be tolerated.

WE BELIEVE: that the perpetuity of our nation rests upon the solidarity and purity of our native-born, white, Gentile men and women.

We believe, she's got a winner!

Clinton insiders refer to this new campaign as the "Klan State Strategy." They have done the math and believe that if they can carry all of the states with the largest racist populations, then she will have the election in the bag. No more of this red/blue nonsense that's been harming our country for so many years. From now on it will be about black and white.

The campaign is aware that certain segments of the population (which will be dealt with after she's president, heh heh) may shrilly denounce her new strategy. One of her top advisers would only speak off the record, but he said they have a plan for that as well:
"We will hire three or four hundred colored ministers, preferably with social-service backgrounds, and with engaging personalities. The most successful educational approach to the Negro is through a religious appeal. So far, we've only purchased Al Sharpton, but soon many more will follow. We don't want the word to go out that we want to exterminate the Negro population. and the minister is the man who can straighten out that idea if it ever occurs to any of their more rebellious members. Jeremiah Wright gets a klantucky goldmine if he keeps speaking up for Obama. We trust he will oblige. They all will. Nine out of 10 ayway, which would give us about 80 percent of the Negro vote in the general election. With 80 percent of the Negros and all of the good, decent, pure and hardworking people, we will beat the heretic McCain.

Our sources tell us that she will probably introduce the new "Klan State strategy at a speech in Kentucky, sometime in the next few weeks. Her speech will be simulcast on Rush Limbaugh's radio show and Fox News Network. The newspapers of Richard Mellon Scaife will provide in-depth, exclusive coverage.

But these sources caution that if Hillary thinks things are progressing to her satisfaction, she may hold back the speech for the Demoratic convention. Or if things don't go well there, until after hard working Americans storm the gates of the capital with her on their shoulders and install her in the office that is rightfully hers in what she feels is the true Demcocratic way.