Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Chuckling's voter guide for catholics

E.J. Dionne reports that the Catholic church denied communion to an Obama supporter due to the candidate's pro-abortion stance. Communion is a cannibalistic ritual in which Catholics metaphorically eat the flesh of Jesus Christ and drink his blood. Catholics believe Jesus Christ is the son of the creator of the universe. By eating him, they believe they gain some of his power and righteousness.

Dionne argues that it is dangerous for the Catholic church to use communion as a political weapon. Personally, I don't see a problem with it. According to the Catholic church, abortion is one of the fourteen deadly sins. Of course Catholics shouldn't vote for any politician that rejects the laws of their supreme being. That would be nuts. They'd go straight to hell. Wouldn't even get a glimpse of St. Peter and the pearly gates.

In fact, Catholics would be nuts to vote for any politician who supports any of the other thirteen deadly sins.

Not the oldies but goodies: lust, gluttony, avarice, sloth, anger, envy and pride. Catholics can't vote for horndogs, the obese or anyone who supports policies that cause obesity. They can't vote for greedy or lazy motherfuckers, hotheads, pathetic wannabes or the proud. Cannot do it or they go straight to hell.

And now they can't vote for those who favor the new and improved deadly sins: polluting, genetic engineering, being obscenely rich, drug dealing, abortion, pedophilia and causing social injustice.

Right Catholics. You are not allowed to vote for anyone who is obscenely rich or who supports policies that allow people to become obscenely rich. You cannot vote for anyone who supports social injustice or doesn't believe in global warming.

So essentially, they can't vote for any Democrats, Republicans or third party candidates. And with the injunction against voting for anyone who empowers pedophiles, they can't even vote for Catholics. Essentially, they are forbidden to vote for humans.

Nothing, however, is stopping Catholics from voting for inanimate objects. Is it legal for religious icons to run for office? Christ crucified could run for president. The Ten Commandments could be nominated for the Supreme Court. Various plastic saints could run for Congress.

Hey, you think I'm joking but we might actually be better off with plastic saints in Congress than we are now with all those plastic posers. What do I have to do to become a Catholic?