Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Late City Final

I’v been staying away from the news lately, but I picked up a New York Post off the subway on my way home. What the hell? Let’s check it out!

The front page features a large picture of Hillary Clinton in the arms of a creepy teen stalker. They are looking deeply into each others eyes, apparently about to kiss. The creep’s wife is giving him a dirty look. The picture is from 2001, long before anyone knew the guy was a stalker. The “story” is that he gave her campaign contributions. Yep, sucking up to Rupert Murdoch sure is paying off.

The other front page headline announces a major Israeli victory in their insane murder spree across Lebanon. I read the headlines and the ledes in all the major papers today, but that’s the first time I heard of a “major victory.” All of the other stories featured lines like “unexpectedly strong resistance,” “growing international outcry,” “targeting civilians,” “bombing the U.N.” or “war crimes.”

A side note mentions that Hillary’s opponent in the Democratic primary accused Israel of atrocities against Palestinians. “Accused?” Wouldn’t “noted” be the accurate way to phrase it? A Clinton advisor said it was “outrageous, deeply offensive and beyond the pale.” Not the atrocities, mind you. For Clinton and her fellow Republicans, it the honest reporting of reality that they find deeply offensive and beyond the pale. What a sick, empty shell of a woman... I didn’t even know she had an opponent in the primary. Man, I should register.

In other news a massive marlin spears a fisherman and a man bites a dog.

Then Bloomberg gets the treatment. For those of you unaware, thousands of people in Queens have been without power for about a week now and Bloomberg is defending the electric company’s management. Probably not a good P.R. move on his part. Once a CEO always a CEO and in these times catastrophic failure merits a multi-million dollar raise and stock options. Bloomberg speculates that there's a cabinet position in that guy's future.

Meanwhile, a deadbeat dad gets half the estate of the tragic girl he abandoned and Bush vows troops for Baghdad. Yep, another victory on the horizon. Once we finally capture Baghdad, the war will be over. Millions weep with joy as Bush wins again and his opponents are forced to eat their livers.

While all that’s happening, a $1M scam doc gets two to six, a slay buddy ‘fesses up, a ’family’ bust KOs a champ, a hubby and wife are caught in a city bid scam, there was a hit and run slay on 3rd avenue, a killer rips his victim’s kin and cops kill a pit bull.

In another shocking development, a perv files a lawsuit against his boss, police are hunting a midtown bank robber, a teenage girl was arrested fro stabbing another youth, a Bloods gang member was arrested after shooting a Crip, a man was arrested after dowsing a coworker with gasoline and trying to set him afire, two cousins were arrested after they attacked each other in an argument over cigarettes, two men were arrested in a double stabbing in Sunset Park, a driver was arrested after he nearly mowed down two cops, a drug addled driver was arrested after he struck a police officer and a ‘rape’ teen flipped, resulting in freedom for the guy she wrongly accused.

Turning the page, there was a bloody rumble in the ramble, weight doomed a tourists’ boat, a creepy obsession was the motive in a slaying, CUNY faces a bias probe, a slay nightclub lost its license, a gang in N.J. was taken down, there was a gay-tryst murder in Chelsea, banking bigs were caught in a check-cash rap, a Bronx tot choked to death on a pill, peaceniks, it turns out, are lethal, U.S. ‘allies’ back terror, Kofi blames the victim, a goat and an adding machine were used in the ritual of a western sect and a topless dancer likes decorating her home with body parts. She had six human skulls and a human hand she called “Freddy.”

I wonder what’s on tv?