Millinery fears

Poor chuckling on-line magazine has been deluged by emails asking why we haven't written anything about the current crisis in the middle east. Are we not staunch supporters of Israel? Have we become anti-semites? Are we okay with the imminent nucular annihilation of the Holy Land?

No, my friends, it is nothing like that. Rest assured, we still love Israel above all others. But the truth is that we are very much afraid of Hamas and would prefer they take no notice of us. That's because, according to many respectable sources, Hamas has awesome, nearly god-like powers to manipulate both people and nations to do their bidding. Like puppets on a string, I tell ya. Well, we don't want to become puppets. We don't want to lose our free will and become automatons, powerless to resist being mind-controlled by all-powerful terrorists. So we have kept quiet.

I won't bore you with a lot of links. You can go to any major news site and read reports of how Hamas uses their evil mind control to force Israel to attack them. Worse than that, the dastardly villains force Israel to kill women and children. Imagine the power it must take to force someone to kill children. It's horrific.

And their control is not limited to the poor souls in Israel. Hamas has the United States, even George W. Bush, in their evil mind grip. We are powerless to do anything to stop the carnage. Worse than that, we are forced to make it worse. Hamas forces us to supply money and weapons to Israel to kill even more.

You can see why we are scared. Cause if you think Hamas is powerful, don't even get us started about Hezbollah. Or, I shudder to even think the word, Iran. And we've already seen what the mind control masters at Al Quaeda can do. They've made George W. Bush dance for how many years now?

Scared yes, but silent no longer. We are Americans and although we ourselves may not be ingenuous, we can still make use of America's god-given proclivity for ingenuity. We consulted a group of experts at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and were provided with this important scientific information. Now we are able to write whatever we want without fear of Hamas. And we are starting up a non-profit to use this information to help our good friends in Israel. Something like an airlift. The sooner we can get these items to the Holy Land, the sooner the Israelis can regain their free will. We suggest that you take immediate precautions as well. (Note to our right wing friends, it may even work against Obama.)